How To Know If Your Woman Is Sleeping…WITH ME

For the second time in the same day, I received a call from a man who was obviously going through some trust issues in his relationship. Being the very helpful and honest man that I am, I simply told the distraught fellow, “don’t call my phone over no bitch,” a line I borrowed from Lloyd Banks, then I pressed “End”. My problem is not only with the men who somehow obtain my contact information, but more so with the women who allow these men to get in contact with me. To them I say, control your niggas. So for every man out there, who may see my name, or many of my aliases in “her” phone, I will offer you a free, ONE TIME guide of what to look for…

“you call my phone again, I might just let your hunny answer” – Fabolous

I will begin this by stating the obvious: If the woman you are dating is not just dating you, then she is not yours. Thus, she is not committed to you and can’t possibly be cheating on you. However, if she is misleading you, then she is a liar and needs to be dropped. Lying shall not be tolerated, especially from women, so if you’re stupid enough to let some woman lie to your face over and over, then you deserve this foul treatment.

Some men think that their woman is cheating because he is not satisfying her sexually. That is false. Over 50% of women never had an orgasm, so you are not the only man out there who is not making their girl have an out of body experience. Don’t feel bad, because 8 times out of 10, if your girl came to me, I didn’t make her cum either. I’m sure you do things to her that I never have and never will: kissed her, ate her out, held her hand, caressed her body, made love to her, etc… yet somehow, she still gets at me every chance she gets. Why?

You’re probably boring, controlling, and/or lame. It’s not your fault, we are who we are, but since some women are so fake, they got with you anyway, even though they knew you weren’t providing everything that was truly important to them in a relationship. You do the same ol’ strokes with her, in that same ol’ bed. I talk to her like you’ve never talked to her. I’m the complete opposite of that R&B song; she loves it. I let her do her. I don’t nag her, I don’t hound her, I barely even call her. I take her to the middle of a golf course at 3 a.m., throw down a blanket, and fuck the shit out of her on the 18th hole. I go to the mall with her and follow her into the dressing room, taking her Macy’s virginity. You take her to the sporting goods store with you to grab some hooping shorts; I take her to the same store and make her give me head in one of those display tents. Don’t just whisper in her ear, choke her while you’re doing it. Switch it up. Even if you don’t make her cum, sometimes the excitement of something new will keep her happy.

I don’t do that with every woman though, sometimes your girl just really loves the way I stroke her. It excites her good-for-nothing ass to invite me over when you’re out hanging with your dudes or to tell you she’s going over her girls house, which she is, but she neglected to tell you that I’m over there too and we’re about to have a threesome. There’s nothing you can do about that. Go get a new woman.

So how are you supposed to know all of this is going on?

1. TOO MUCH TEXTING. Women do text other women, but just like men, your woman loves to text me when she is sitting right next to you. You just spent your $20 taking her ungrateful ass to the movies and she’s on her Iphone telling me she’ll be right over after the movie is finished. If you really want to know, just take her phone and read the text messages. Just remember, don’t text me back acting like you’re her.

2. IF YOU COME HOME AND YOUR SLIPPERS ARE OUT OF PLACE. Yup, I like walk around in other niggas house shoes (with my socks on of course). It gives me complete dominance over your domain. I don’t even put them back in the right place, I just throw them anywhere. If your girl is on her A-Game though, she would have put them back in the right place.

3. CONDOMS. DUH??!! Dude, you have been fucking her raw for two years now, but now all of a sudden, she keeps condoms in her purse or in her nightstand. Guess who she got those from? ME. Just in case I meet up with her and I left mine in the car, she’s prepared. And if you wear a certain size, and you see gold packs around, don’t think it’s because she thinks your dick got bigger, those are mine, don’t get it twisted.

4. SHE SOUNDS LIKE SHE IS GETTING FUCKED. This is by far the funnest thing to do in the world. When I’m hitting a chick from the back and you call, I keep hitting it ever-so-slightly, while she talks to you in fragments. Women don’t talk in one word questions/answers dumb boy. They explain, elaborate, and flat out talk too much…ALL THE TIME, so you should be able to pick up on that. Not to mention the slight moans she’s letting out. I had one chick tell her man the reason she was moaning was because she was playing with herself and he bought it.

5. SHE COMES BACK RAPPING LYRICS SHE SHOULDN’T KNOW. You know damn well she has never heard a Fabolous freestyle in her life. She doesn’t know who Joe Budden is and she certainly doesn’t listen to Lloyd Banks. Now all of a sudden it seems like she lives in Brooklyn. That’s all thanks to me. You’re welcome.

In conclusion, I probably fucked ya girl, but it’s not the end of the world man. She may change, but she probably won’t. If it’s not me, then it would be with Ty Fyffe. If not him, Hate2Love. Neil, Iceberg, Superman, or any of my brethren would smash her. The good news is, I don’t want your girl, you can have her back when I’m done.

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Author: The Undresser

Black, Single, and Not Looking. Enjoys grilled salmon, cold glasses of water, and grocery shopping at Meijer. Likes women with nice ass to waist ratios, Reese Cups, and watching Real Time with Bill Maher. Dislikes cigarettes, littering, and disobedient children.

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